Hey! Its getting loud in here...

Yesterday was a brutal day for me.  Start to finish it seemed everything was painful.  The only way I can describe it is that the day was very "loud" in my head... which makes no sense.  Everything seemed overwhelming and I didn't have anywhere to turn for solace.  It felt as though the world was spinning at top speed and completely out of control.  I was a wreck.

My blog post from yesterday I think reflects this.  Its forever long and I don't think it ever really gets to any point.  Still, it helped silence the loudest thoughts and maybe that was all I was looking to do.  I felt some better after writing it, but it wasn't the comprehensive panacea I might have hoped it to be.

I think part of the driving force here is just the precipitous point my life has arrived at.  Looking in on it, one would believe my life is all together and nicely organized.  I have a job which, though not making me rich, does pay enough for me to live comfortably.  Intellectually I am challenged, and I have hobbies I enjoy to keep me distracted.  However, I feel incredibly uncomfortable in my comfort.  The days seem too routine and I wonder if I'm actually accomplishing anything.  It is as if I am sitting on top of a pillar, with the ominous knowledge that my next step will take me right over the edge and to whatever waits below.  

From talking with my mom yesterday, it sounds like my brother and sister are in similar circumstances.  Morgan has been granted citizenship in Australia (and is double-checking to ensure she won't lose U.S. citizenship if she accepts it), but she doesn't know where her life is leading her over there.  Jackson has moved home until late October, broke and without work.  He seems to physically drift as much as I do mentally.  I can tell this weighs heavily on my mom.  I feel bad for her... somehow I have the impression she thinks this is her fault.  She said she has been praying what she wanted for us, but that she was convicted to simply give us over to God.  I know how difficult that is for one's own life, but I can only speculate the difficulty that would present for a parent who loves their children.

It seems there is no real closure to the above.  Lives still go on and I write this from the perspective of a new day, and with each day comes renewed hope -- the confident expectation that something good is going to happen.  And so, as with so many things in the past, I will continue to wait with confidence for whatever good God is working in these circumstances.  

I'll let you know how it goes.