A Knot of Rust

My thoughts are loud in my head again today... as a result I have a generic feeling of discontent, but really have no means by which I can get rid of it.  To put it in fewer words, I don't feel happy and I don't know why.  This is a rather frustrating predicament to be in, as one might guess.  I suppose the silver lining is that by not knowing what is making me unhappy, I have very little to complain about.

I haven't been on the worship team at church for several weeks now.  I believe I was scheduled to be on last Sunday, but I was away with the Marines on the rifle range.  Now, while I love helping to lead worship, I think this break has been good for me.  When I started singing, I was entirely unsure why I had volunteered.  I had limited experience, and the WAM team is so much more talented than I am.  Still, I felt compelled to volunteer.  When it turned out I had auditioned well enough to sing tenor, I was thrilled -- terrified, because I'm not a person who desires to draw attention to myself -- but thrilled because I genuinely love to worship.

As time progressed, I think I lost some of the passion and sincerity that I started out with.  I think I started relying more on my own abilities, which I can assure are not impressive, and stopped giving it all up to God.  To put it simply, I think I stopped worshipping and started singing instead.  I think I had gotten a little burned out due to the frequency with which I was helping lead, and losing sight of the Caller because of the calling is what eventually happened.  (Curtis, I have no idea how you do it.  Just one more reason I have to look up to you.)  

So, I'm on a scheduling break, and I think the timing is perfect.  My life feels very turbulent, and spiritually I feel very tired.  Maybe I need to recharge for a little while.  Its time to remind myself how great and good God is and remember how to really worship passionately, before I should have any thoughts about getting back on the stage, helping lead others in worship. 

My prayer today was very interesting... I had no idea where these words came from until well after I had said them.  My prayer was, "Lord, may I be a knot of rust."  Cryptic, right?  I don't even actually know what a "knot of rust" is, let alone how one would bring that phrase up in common conversation.  Now, here's the thing... rust forms when iron is oxidized due to being exposed to air.  So, under that red, rusty coating is actually a lump of iron, and iron is something that can be molded and shaped into something useful.  Moreover, iron can be used to sharpen something else of iron.  So, I think that's the prayer of my heart today.  I don't need glory, and I admit my shortfalls and inabilities.  I don't want to be the center of attention... to be flashy, or very high-profile.  All I want to be is that knot of rust:  Nothing flashy, yet made of something worthwhile.  I want to become something useful, and then I want to be used to help sharpen and refine others who are of the same quality as myself.  

"Lord, may I be a knot of rust."