Its amazing how confusing little things can become and I can't help but wonder how much of what I'm experiencing is Satan's attempts to steal, kill, and destroy. In complete honesty, I don't know why I feel the way I do right now, and so I don't expect anyone else to understand, let alone sympathize. That said, I need to get some of this off my chest while the thoughts are in my head and maintaining some form of clarity. A disclaimer, though: if there are any newHopers who read this, well... you'll be able to know exactly who I'm talking about even if I change the names, so I'll just use them.
I serve on the Worship Arts Ministry team at my church, singing as a tenor. Something you should know about me, is that I do not particularly like being the center of attention. I'm not bothered by public speaking or being in front of people, but that doesn't mean I seek out opportunities to be there. When I auditioned for the WAM team, I knew it was God working in my life. He put me there on purpose, because its not really something I would have done if left to my own direction. I never sang in any choir, nor do I consider myself particularly good. I simply enjoy singing and I love to worship. When I was taken on as a tenor (apparently I can harmonize), I was completely ecstatic... not to mention terrified. I'm not sure I actually sang at all my first week on stage and I remember being more tense than ever before in my life. I was probably not the best person to help others engage in worship, but I was willing. With time, I found myself relaxing more and singing with more confidence. Often times, I would be on WAM every other week (we rotate different teams through every week with each team serving approximately once every month) due to not having enough tenors. I loved it.
Several weeks back, while I was still training at Camp LeJeune with the Marines, it was my turn to serve on the WAM team. Again, myself and another tenor had been rotating every other week due to low numbers. Josh, the other tenor, is particularly good. I don't know his singing history, but I know he is comfortable on stage, sings with confidence, and does a really outstanding job. I aspire to be more like him in those respects. Usually, we will have rehearsal for a few hours one of the days prior to Sunday so the band is up to speed with the music and so the vocalists have the opportunity to learn the music on their own. However, that week Curtis, the worship arts pastor, cancelled the practice and had us show up a little earlier on Sunday instead. I think he maybe thought we were more familiar with the pieces than we truly were, or didn't realize we would struggle as much as we did. To exacerbate this situation, we were short 2 other vocalists that week, meaning it was myself, Curtis, and an alto on stage.
To say I was tense and nervous for the first service (we do three services) is a bit of an understatement. In hindsight, I think the only time I was more uncomfortable and sang worse was my first time. However, as the day wore on I felt myself growing increasingly confident and more comfortable, and by the end of the third service I felt as though I had done okay.
The following week, I received an e-mail from Curtis encouraging me to relax on stage and really try to worship. Raise my hands, take my eyes off the monitor, and really worship. I know there was no malice in his sending it, but for whatever reason, I felt as though I had been punched in the gut.
All I wanted to do was scream about how I had been working hard, trying to relax on stage, had been doing better on previous Sundays, and had even gotten better as the services progressed. I wanted him to know how hard I work both in and out of church, how I was entirely uncomfortable with the songs he chose (none of which I had ever sang before), and how we only had a few minutes prior to the services starting to practice -- the majority of which were spent working on the band and fixing sound issues. I wanted him to know how frustrated and hurt I felt... maybe even feel... because of that e-mail. I wanted to tell him how his e-mail was completely unfair and that he had been misinformed. But I can't.
I sent an e-mail back to him thanking him for his guidance and promising I would work harder at it. Its true. There are few people who I respect more than Pastor Curtis and his patience and guidance with me are priceless. I think that may be why it hurts so much. We seek to get respect from those whom we respect... and this one just kind of cut my legs out from under me.
Last week Josh was the tenor for WAM. He was on again today as well. Both weeks were set lists with songs I was comfortable with and truly enjoy singing. Next week I was scheduled, but I won't be around due to training with the Marines. I think the time I am scheduled after that is Labor Day weekend when I am going back to Wisconsin to visit my family. I have no idea when, or even if, I'll get to sing on WAM again.
Now, while all that mess took a long time to tell, its really only part of what's aggravating me. I look at this rift I feel forming within me, and it is all I can do to not be childish and petty. Worship is by no means about me, but how can I truly worship when its all I can do not to think about how I feel snubbed and unappreciated? Perhaps most frustrating of all is that I can clearly see how Satan is trying to use this situation to destroy something good. Really, it shouldn't be this big of a deal... but to me it really is.
It seems in general my life is unsettled. I don't know where I'm going or if the direction I'm traveling is the right one. It seems whenever someone else has success, pride rears its ugly head, and once again I am battling. Whenever someone else gets recognized for their accomplishments, I have to fight not to be angry or jealous, because not only do I want it to have been me, but often I feel that it should have been me. Some days I feel angry with people for no good reason... they left dishes in the sink at home or didn't clean up their bench in lab. Maybe they were driving too slowly... or too quickly. I know how dumb it is, but I can feel it just pulsing through my body and it is all I can do to not say or do something that will be hurtful or destructive. I find myself biting my tongue a lot --- even when they haven't done anything wrong!
God grows us through challenges and struggles. I have every confidence that this point in my life is just another time God is shaping me into the person He wants me to be. Growth is painful though, as is any change, and I really don't like it at this moment. While I have faith that everything will be taken care of, that all needs will be met, that God works everything for good, and that I will ultimately get to where I am meant to be, that doesn't mean I am particularly pleased with where I am right now. I feel alone, having isolated myself from all of my friends lest I find them making me angry for no reason, and wonder if this is me withdrawing of my own accord, God bringing me into solitude so He can work on me, or something darker and more sinister that I haven't managed to fully resolve.
So while all of the above is not important in the grand scheme of things and these battles are of little consequence, the macrocosmic view reveals there is no clear picture of what I am to become or how long it will take, and he uncertainty of everything may be the biggest frustration of them all.
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