Hold Fast

As always, it seems to have been awhile since I've written anything... and the impression I have is that my last collection of ramblings may have been poorly timed. Its impossible to know for certain, of course, but that's just the feeling I have.

Its strange. Oftentimes I'll have something I really should write up here -- a thought strikes me differently, or something I just feel like sharing (assuming that anyone reads this) -- but if I don't sit down and type it out, it seems to loose all of the significance by the time I get around to it.

Anyhow, what I've got this morning is fairly odd for me. I need to clarify before I even begin... when I say "God is speaking to me" or "God spoke" please don't take this to mean I'm hearing voices. I'd say that I'm completely sane, except I'm not entirely sure that I am -- I just know that I don't hear voices (yet).

So, like I was saying before I derailed myself: God has been speaking fairly clearly to me these past few days. Not that He hasn't spoken clearly in the past, just not like this. Its a little disconcerting. The course of action which I am currently following is surprising, and I've never found myself in a situation similar to this one. That said, even though this is the first time I'm doing something, I want to do it right. Anyhow, this journey began with prayer and the distinct impression that I was to "go and live." Considering this was occurring right about the time I found out about my deployment, that was a little interesting. I'm pretty sure I even wrote in my blog about it, though I don't know how to link to that particular post. It was in September, if you want to search for it.

After this initial "Go and live" message, I went and did. I was immediately dealt a setback -- something that I hadn't expected and actually seemed to contradict the "go live" intentions. (Unfortunately, I cannot provide the details, so I'll have to talk in fairly broad generalizations. I know some meaning will be lost in this, but a lesson I learned early on is that I never know who will get word of what I'm writing and I try very hard not to offend or be inconsiderate of others.) Despite this initial failure, further prayer revealed that it was less that I wasn't meant to "go and live," but more that I was going to have to be patient and wait for what I thought I was meant to have now. An interesting notion, considering I was counting the weeks to mobilization. Still, God was reaffirming and my course was set. I would have to be patient and persistent, but ultimately I would persevere -- it would just likely be after I got home from Iraq.

Last week Friday I found out my deployment was canceled. Canx'd. No more. (So... I didn't know we were in the habit of doing this. More on that some other day though.) This changes things somewhat.

God has continued to be reaffirming, and I've received hints and fragments of what is meant to become, providing I can be steadfast. This hasn't ever happened to me before. I haven't ever had this much encouragement (or experienced this much attack) about anything, and I don't know what to make of that. Its encouraging, yet disheartening at the same time. I know that I must draw a line in the sand and not retreat, be resolute and immovable. Unrelenting. Solid and steadfast. I have entered into a battle, only this is more a war of attrition than I might like. I can see in the end that the victory will be mine, but only because God is with me. That said, with this amount of encouragement I cannot help but think it will be long and hard-fought -- months and years, rather than days and weeks -- but victory here is so very worth every minute of fighting, while the consequences of loss are staggering and tragic.

In the end, I know I will be changed. Broken, likely. Exhausted, definitely. But so often the truly important things in life must be fought for and it is that sacrifice which bestows value.

I must hold fast.

The Great American Tragedy

There aren't many things that I genuinely hate. Really. That said, I am convinced I do genuinely hate two things: USC football and the entire state of Ohio. You can imagine my conflict when I found out Ohio State University was playing USC in football several weeks ago. This was unprecedented... usually neither team would play anybody of substance until late in the season -- if at all -- allowing them both to climb the polls and battle for one of the top spots in the BCS. Otherwise, they would avoid playing each other and taking the risk of losing. Without direct competition, each team can always claim superiority and that they were victims of politics or unfair ratings.

For me, I had a hard time figuring out who I hated more. USC, who always seems to be ranked #1 and routinely redefines the word "arrogant," or OSU, who beats up on other teams in the Big Ten, but fails to make adjustments anywhere else and thus gets embarrassed when they play mediocre teams from other conferences. The same team who gained back-to-back championship bowl game losses (blow-outs, really) in 2006 and 2007... I think they managed to loose the championship in basketball in 2007 as well. Yes. Hate, despite being a strong word, is the correct one to use here.

I think the point I was trying to get at is that I wanted both teams to lose. Knowing this to be impossible, yet unwilling to find the lesser of two evils, I was somewhat miserable. In the end, I'm pretty sure OSU was blown out (again!) and Big Ten football lost what little respect it may have previously had from other conferences.

But where am I going with this? Oh yeah... here's my second greatest segué ever:

POLITICS: origin, Latin. poly - meaning many; tics - meaning blood-sucking arachnids.

If there is an argument for anything I hate worse than OSU/USC football, its probably politics. I am tired of the negative campaigns, tired of receiving mass-mailings from the democratic party (I'm sure I'd get them from the republicans too, except all of my roommates are democrats...), automated telephone calls, and people who think that anyone with a different opinion from them can be shouted into agreement.

I'm tired of voting based on a "lesser of two evils" philosophy. I started out this presidential campaign feeling like regardless of which candidate won, things were going to get better. After all the mud-slinging and slander, I'm feeling firmly convinced of the opposite. Rather than drawing together behind a candidate, I feel as though we have polarized America and everyone is on edge. Really, I want them both to lose.

Mr Obama, how is it that you feel qualified to run for president of a country with only 1 year of political experience? As our former President Clinton pointed out, we could substitute a popular television star in your place and they would have only marginally less political experience than you. (That said, Hillary scares the hell out of me... Definitely not a fan.) I mean, really... you pretty much started a run for the presidency as soon as you hit the Senate. And why can you not admit the Surge actually worked in Iraq? Can you not admit that despite absolutely botching things after deposing Sadaam, the military has made significant headway and vast improvements to life for the Iraqi populace?

Mr McCain, what on earth made you think selecting a completely unexperienced running mate with minimal common sense and an outrageous Minnesota accent was a good idea? Someday, you're going to die. God forbid it will be in the next 4 years, but how do you think Palin will run the country? And why do you have to be so incredibly mentally scattered and awkward on television? And what the hell is up with this Joe the Plumber crap? And why do you want to bomb Iran?!?

To the American people, why is it that we are so ignorant? If you're paying attention at all, you should see this rift forming in our country, and it should be breaking your heart. We've lost all common sense and become so polarized that it borders on the imbicilic. As a generalization, we seem to be forming a country composed of workaholics and parasites. Either one works themself to death in a pursuit of their career, or one refuses to work to improve themself, then expects better benefits, better pay, fewer hours, and the government to support them in their shortcomings. I place blame firmly on us all for the state of our economy... which is something that can't be fixed by any bailout or government stimulus package. And should your candidate not win, will you remember that whomever is elected is your new president? I believe Thomas Jefferson, after losing his first campaign for president, was instrumental in keeping this country together. When his supporters said they would never follow the elected president, Mr Jefferson corrected them and reminded them that is NOT how democracy works. Can we be as mature in this day and age?

To the government, when are you going to stop wasting our time and money? When are you going to consult scientists, educators, and informed people before imposing ignorant, expensive, and frequently, impossible legislation? When will you break this country's additiction to war and oil? When will you get out of the pocket of big corporations? Why can you not consider the good of the people more important than the good of yourself? What makes you worthy of another raise? From what I can see, you're in session far less often than I'm in lab, and yet I'm right around the national poverty line. Are you doing anything other than trying to ruin our lives and wreck this country? Quit being distracted by special interests. We don't need more feel good projects, we need jobs and education.

To Kay Hagin and Elizabeth Dole: My God, you're both incompetent -- though legally retarded is maybe more accurate, and less politically correct. (I wrote myself in for Senate, simply because I cannot bring myself to vote for either of you.)

The way I see it, we're doomed to make history. Either we elect the first black president, or the first woman vice-president. Neither ticket is sound, and clearly, it requires a different set of attributes to become president than it requires to be a good one. In the words of one of my fellow graduate students, "Truly, this is the Great American Tragedy."

Hey. Remember me?

Its been a long time. Blogger says my last post was on October 11... Not that I haven't had anything to write about -- quite the contrary, actually -- I've just been absurdly busy. Still, its good to be back. While I wish I had some cohesive story to tell, I think much of what I've got for tonight is collections of unrelated thoughts. But who knows? Maybe something interesting will come out.

1. A 30-year old child. I realized that working with my post-doc, Sam, is a lot like working with a small child. Albeit, a brilliant small child. He plays on his computer a lot, likes to stay up late, walks away in the middle of a conversation, and is easily distracted by loud noises and shiny things. That said, I think he makes me laugh more than any other person I know... but I don't think he means to. Anyhow, we wrote a review article together and submitted it last Friday for publication (my first!). English is not Sam's first language... same can be said for my professor. So, we have some interesting phrases in our article. Despite my strong objections and best efforts, it reads exactly like it was written by a pair of Asians. They don't seem to appreciate the use of pronouns, compound sentences, or subject-verb agreement (Sam: "It is not necessary. Does it change the meaning of what we are saying? No. It is okay to use the same word 4 times in one sentence. It is scientific writing.") I think my patience has developed a lot. Its hard to work with someone who reminds you of a child, yet can still tell you you're always wrong.

2. All is fair in Love and War. Don't ask me how I came to this point, because I'm not sure I know. Anyhow, in warfare, perhaps the two most contrasting strategies are a war of attrition versus maneuver warfare. In a war of attrition, opposing armies attack each other in relatively direct fashion (think WWI and - to an extent - WWII). Toe-to-toe, they slug it out with great loss of life and collateral damage. In the end, there will be a decisive winner, but for the most part, both parties are wrecked. Contrast this with maneuver warfare. Here, time is utilized as a weapon. The objective is to make surgical strikes on key positions to collapse the enemy's ability to effectively make war -- not necessarily destroy his troops or weapons. Momentum is gained early on, and the operational tempo is extremely demanding. By acting and making decisions faster than the enemy, we force him to react to us and cause confusion within his forces, rendering them ineffective for combat. This type of warfare, if done correctly, comes with minimal loss of life. A "clean" war, if there ever can be one (think First Gulf War).

Here's the issue. With a war of attrition, both parties are decimated by the end, but there is a decisive winner. The loser simply is no longer capable of continuing the war due to insufficient supplies, troops, etc. With maneuver warfare, both armies are - for the most part - largely intact. The loser simply cannot function as a cohesive unit, and thus loses the war. The point is, despite losing the war, their military is not destroyed and within a short time, things are back to normal. There has to be a middle ground, where loss of life is minimized, yet the opposing force is defeated with sufficient decisiveness as to not present a threat following extraction of allied forces.

I see romance as being similar (and perhaps this is why I don't have a girlfriend...). The "war of attrition" would be where two people meet, become friends, and over a long period of time decide they have "feelings for each other." It takes forever, and while there is the definite relationship, both people are drastically changed by each other during this long ascent to togetherness. Contrast this with a "maneuver warfare" model. The two may know each other, but are not close. Then rapid action on the part of one leads to a relationship. Again, there is the success of a relationship, but both people are largely unchanged from where they were to begin with... they're just in a relationship.

Okay... really I have no point. It just seems like a middle ground would be best here as well.

3. iMasochist? I realized I have a love/hate relationship with both the Marines and with grad school. I can simultaneously be proud of what I am doing, yet despise the institution with every fiber of my being. This quickly degenerates into me thinking I may actually have legitimate masochistic tendencies. I dunno... it made for a long day.

4. And then, the attacks come. Despite all the cynical things I have been known to say, life right now is really pretty good. Research is going well, I'm recognized as a solid leader in my Marine unit, and I even have something which could be vaguely considered a "social life." Honestly, it makes me happy... and surprises me. I don't actually remember things being this good in my life for a long time. I remember driving in my jeep... yesterday, I think... and wondering how long this was going to last. Well, apparently until today. Welcome back to reality.

5. What?! My cousin is engaged. I found out on facebook.

There's always more to say, but not always time to say it. As such, I'll just wrap up for the evening. A hot shower is sounding pretty good and my bed is looking more comfortable by the minute.

Cheers.

Home

I can't believe I was home more than a month ago. This is a post I've been meaning to put up almost as long as I've been back, but time just seems to fly so quickly these days. Anyhow... this post is dedicated to my home and family.

Anyhow, my home is Crandon, Wisconsin. While I grew up in Prentice, Clintonville, and Phillips, my grandparents always lived in Crandon and for whatever reason, it has always felt like "home." The picture on the top is my parents' house. It was originally built by my great-grandfather and my dad lived in it when he was much younger. On the North face of the house, which you can't see in the photo, is the window out of which my dad saw Santa Claus when he was 8. After my great-grandparents moved out, the house was used for decades as storage by my grandfather. About 4 years ago, my dad decided he was going to renovate it as a "retirement project" (despite the fact he wasn't yet retired) and so we gutted the place. After years of labor - literally - the above picture is the current state of things. I love it, and only wish I had a picture of how it had started. I promise you would be amazed with how far it has come.

The picture to the above left is of my parents, Wendy and Jerry. Great picture, eh? It wasn't even posed. A regular Modern American Gothic. Anyhow, my mom works for Project Headstart and my dad is a retired high school history teacher and elementary school principal. They're great. I'm sure better opportunities will come for me to brag about them in the future, but following a bit of thought, I am convinced I couldn't have had better parents. I am extremely thankful for them, and consider myself blessed because of them.
Enter "el hermano." Yep. That's my brother Jackson. Needless to say, he's a classy guy. He pretty much personifies the phrase "Jack of all Trades." At present, he lives in Spokane, WA and works as an electrician's apprentice. This is a recent development for him, as in the past he has worked as maintainence personnel for a housing complex, a herdsman for a Dairy farm, as an Assistant Engineer on a Cruise boat out of Alaska, and as a deckhand on a Tug boat. Now, that all said, there isn't anyone I'd trust more to fix my car or have my back in a fight. He's my brother and, honestly, he's my best friend. Now, I know this picture doesn't show it, but he is also an impressive ladies man. The joke is that we were both born with half of each other's brain. He can't do science, and I can't talk to women. Go figure.

The picture to the right is of Jackson and me following a good ride. Not sure if I mentioned, but we live on a horse farm. I've been riding horses for longer than I've been walking, and I think Jackson is the same way. Anyhow, he's on a new 3 year-old filly "Fleck" (I think) and I'm on Spud. Take a guess at his temperament...
Right, so like I said, we have a horse farm. I think our current herd count is somewhere around 29 horses, including our two Belgian Draft Horses, Mike and Tony. To the left is a picture I took off of our deck.

Now, it occurs to me I haven't mentioned my sister. My sister, Morgan, lives in Australia and works for the Queensland state government. She recently obtained dual citizenship, and as best I can tell, she isn't planning to leave anytime soon. All the pictures above were from my trip home at the end of August, and sadly, she wasn't there at that time. No worries though, right is a picture of her from Christmas, 2007 during our family expedition ice fishing.

Okay... its not really THAT cold in Wisconsin. Anyhow, I'm told she's very pretty, so below is a better picture of her.

Yeah. Okay... so that's better.

And that's my family. Granted, I've got grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins, and my siblings significant others, but I'm actually really tired of searching through endless photos to try and find the ones I have in my mind.

So...This is my family and my home.

Obtaining the 9th Level of Power...

I had a startling realization the other day while I was in lab. I was sitting at my desk, and spent a solid 2 minutes trying to find my pen, lost somewhere beneath a pile of papers, notebooks, scratch paper, and wrappers. Now, those of you that know me realize this is somewhat uncharacteristic. I'm a fairly ordered person and I try to keep my areas organized and clean... so what's the deal?

My suspicion is that I am entering the realm of the true nerd, from which there is no return. I remember when I was younger, I would look at the work spaces for graduate students as well as the offices of my professors and wonder how they could possibly work in all that mess. Everything is in piles, papers are scattered everywhere, and there is seemingly no organization. The fume hoods for synthetic chemists are worse. Half-finished reactions, completed reactions that aren't worked-up, fritted funnels with stuff still in them, overflowing wash basins, unemptied columns... Well, at least that's what my fume hood looks like right now. Somehow, my post-doc's hood looks worse. I now realize this has nothing to do with how orderly a person is, and so much to do with being sleep-deprived, overworked, and perpetually behind.

Its interesting to realize how my day goes. From the moment I get to lab, I single-mindedly pursue some product or objective until I get distracted by something else, which I then proceed to pursue single-mindedly until I remember the first thing I was pursuing. Chances are I'll get distracted by something else before I get back to the first thing, and so completely abandon the second in deference to the third. This will repeat all day.

So like I said, my mannerisms and behaviors are beginning to mimic some of the more brilliant, albiet absent-minded, scientists I've worked with. In my opinion, this should be enough to justify me earning a Ph D, so while this is destroying my (notional) personal life, it is great for my research. Anyhow, let's walk our way through the list:

1. Decreasing social skills and an overall persona of awkwardness
2. No appeal to memebers of the opposite sex
3. Desk/Fumehood an absolute scattered mess.
4. Absent-mindedness. I completely blew off seminar yesterday. I maintain I didn't know it was Tuesday, but my friend Joe says he reminded me at 10:45 (seminar is at 11:00). I personally do not remember the conversation, but apparently I had a solvent trap in my hands and was headed towards the rotovap. I do remember wondering where everyone was around 11:40... I figured they went to lift weights (something we usually do at noon) and didn't tell me they were going early. Nope. It was seminar.
5. Following work, I go home and play video games to escape the tragedy my life is rapidly becoming by vicariously living an adventure through imaginary characters. Sweet.
6. Increasing sarcasm
7. Frequent references to obscure cartoon characters or shows.

Figure 1. Example of a reference to obscure or semi-obscure cartoons. One
can see the obvious similarities established between all parties pictured above.

Anyhow, I'm writing this in lab instead of doing my research. I just thought it was worth sharing. But since always seem to have plenty to do, I most regretfully must wrap-up this rant.

In the words of my brother, "Back to the Nerdery!"

Complementary and Synergistic

A few days ago I was at a leadership meeting for the Christian group of which I'm a member. We were talking about prayer and our experiences with it from when we were younger, and I remember my friend talking about how prayer had become a crucial part of his relationship with his girlfriend. He spoke about how they would often pray for each other, and how much closer they had grown together as a result of it. I have to confess I was really touched by his story.

The thought of two Christians praying for each other, especially if they're dating, I would hope should seem like a normal and natural thing. Unfortunately, in the post-modern world we live in, stories, stereotypes, and even experience suggest otherwise. Yet when I take a moment and think about it, this really must be what dating is all about.

So...I'm probably not going to make a whole lot of sense here -- at best, I'll just sound radically conservative and probably offend a bunch of feminists, assuming they ever stumble their way to this page. I remain unapologetic.

Anyhow, the basis for my thinking is derived from claims made in numerous books by John Eldredge. He argues that men need three things to truly be alive: an adventure to live, a battle to fight, and a beauty to fight for, whereas women require three very different things: an adventure to share, a beauty to unveil, and to be worth fighting for. Both man and woman are formed in the image of God, and our differences reflect different parts of one God. Men tend towards doing things together, women tend toward talking with each other. I don't mean to be sexist, and I don't mean to say this is absolutely true for everyone. I certainly don't mean to judge, but as a general statement I feel its a relatively accurate one. The thing is, without the other half we wouldn't have the complete picture of God.

Men generally accept different roles for their lives. We tend to be more physical, less emotional, and bonding comes through overcoming adversity and challenges in a literal sense. Our bodies are built with broader shoulders and stouter limbs for this purpose. We are designed to be physically stronger. Women seem to function differently. They appear to be based on relationships and bond through conversation and overcoming adversity and challenges in an emotional sense. Their bodies are strong -- but designed for nurturing. The simple fact is that we are different, but we both reflect the image of God.

When one studies the creation story, they see that God created man, but knew that "it was not good for man to be alone." So, God created woman. And here's where the wheels come off. Woman was intended as more than just a "companion" or "help-meet" (which makes no sense, but is actually used in some translations of the Bible). Those words do not impart the necessity or importance of Eve. I believe the word is "ezer kenedego," (or something close to it) which would be more accurately translated as "essential partner or life-saver." Suggestive in this should be that man and woman were designed to work together and support each other. They're synergistic. How perfect and how incredibly beautiful.

This brings us back to the story my friend was sharing. I don't think he could have been any more on target. To grow in a relationship together, moving towards God and in complete harmony with each other. In my mind, it works by the man donating the strength and the woman donating her compassion. I know, this sounds sexist, but let me again emphasize that is not my intent.

The only problem here, is what happens when man and woman are not together? To whom does man donate his strength? To what end does a woman show her compassion? The reason I ask, is because it seems to be the season that I am currently in. I feel as though there are many good things to which I can devote myself and my strength, but really, what good are they? Moreover, where is my support coming from? Who will show me compassion and caring? While guys are decent to each other and will listen and try to help their freinds, this really isn't the area where we excel.

So, a bit of honesty here -- and hopefully I won't sound too terribly... what? Soft? Weak? Feminine? I look at my life, and realize that regardless of what I do, nothing matters if there is nobody special to share it with. I can accomplish my wildest dreams, become famous, make a fortune, and none of it matters at all. Though it could be used to buy many things, all they would be are distractions from the emptiness I would feel all the more clearly. It is not good for man to be alone, and in my heart, I know it is not good for me to be alone. And, though I am thankful that I know to be patient and persistent, that doesn't help things make sense in the present when I feel all I am doing is working hard at things that don't really matter.

Its not like harassing a cat

Well... I'm really glad I didn't post anything yesterday. As nice as it would have been to process here, apparently people actually read my blog -- which is fine, but should also influence to some degree what I can and cannot write for the general public.

Anyhow, yesterday was pretty interesting. I went to bed pretty sorrowful and depressed (though I have found my propensity to immerse myself in self-pity correlates directly to how tired I am), and some of that evidently carried through to the morning. The day had its ups and downs, and though I was beginning to cope well by the evening, there was still no resolution. So, God and I had a chat last night.

I'm not sure if I've ever written anything about this, but God and I have an interesting relationship. I know He isn't doing things to me maliciously (to loosely paraphrase one conversation: its not like He's harassing a cat -- and you're the cat...), but I do take my life as tangible evidence that God has a sense of humor. While I've experienced challenge and hardship, it seems he has stretched me enough (for the moment) in those regimes and he is now teaching me not to take myself too seriously. I think I end up laughing directly at myself at least daily, and I can't help believe God has His hands in this -- I just hope He's laughing too.

Anyhow, what prompts this brief digression is how our conversation went last night. Now, I know God works in mysterious ways, and that He speaks differently to everyone... but through a country song?!?

The message he gave me was: "Persistence." Not quite what I expected, and definitely not in a manner I expected to hear it, but there it was all the same. The song I heard is called "The One" by Gary Allen. The Disclaimer: If you click on the link above, I am not responsible for the fact that, despite writing and performing fantastic music, Gary Allen can't make a decent music video to save his life...

"Don't rush. Though I need your touch,
I don't wanna rush your heart,
until you feel on solid ground,
until your strength is found.

[Chorus]: Girl, I'll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home,
and I'll walk a step behind
int he shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done,
and I will prove my love
until you're sure that I'm the one.

Somebody else was here before;
he treated you unkind.
Broken wings need time to heal
before a heart can fly.

[Chorus]

Trust in me, and you'll find a heart so true.
All I wanna do is give the best of me to you,
and stand beside you.

Just ask, it will be done,
and I will prove my love
until you're sure that I'm the one."