Hold Fast

As always, it seems to have been awhile since I've written anything... and the impression I have is that my last collection of ramblings may have been poorly timed. Its impossible to know for certain, of course, but that's just the feeling I have.

Its strange. Oftentimes I'll have something I really should write up here -- a thought strikes me differently, or something I just feel like sharing (assuming that anyone reads this) -- but if I don't sit down and type it out, it seems to loose all of the significance by the time I get around to it.

Anyhow, what I've got this morning is fairly odd for me. I need to clarify before I even begin... when I say "God is speaking to me" or "God spoke" please don't take this to mean I'm hearing voices. I'd say that I'm completely sane, except I'm not entirely sure that I am -- I just know that I don't hear voices (yet).

So, like I was saying before I derailed myself: God has been speaking fairly clearly to me these past few days. Not that He hasn't spoken clearly in the past, just not like this. Its a little disconcerting. The course of action which I am currently following is surprising, and I've never found myself in a situation similar to this one. That said, even though this is the first time I'm doing something, I want to do it right. Anyhow, this journey began with prayer and the distinct impression that I was to "go and live." Considering this was occurring right about the time I found out about my deployment, that was a little interesting. I'm pretty sure I even wrote in my blog about it, though I don't know how to link to that particular post. It was in September, if you want to search for it.

After this initial "Go and live" message, I went and did. I was immediately dealt a setback -- something that I hadn't expected and actually seemed to contradict the "go live" intentions. (Unfortunately, I cannot provide the details, so I'll have to talk in fairly broad generalizations. I know some meaning will be lost in this, but a lesson I learned early on is that I never know who will get word of what I'm writing and I try very hard not to offend or be inconsiderate of others.) Despite this initial failure, further prayer revealed that it was less that I wasn't meant to "go and live," but more that I was going to have to be patient and wait for what I thought I was meant to have now. An interesting notion, considering I was counting the weeks to mobilization. Still, God was reaffirming and my course was set. I would have to be patient and persistent, but ultimately I would persevere -- it would just likely be after I got home from Iraq.

Last week Friday I found out my deployment was canceled. Canx'd. No more. (So... I didn't know we were in the habit of doing this. More on that some other day though.) This changes things somewhat.

God has continued to be reaffirming, and I've received hints and fragments of what is meant to become, providing I can be steadfast. This hasn't ever happened to me before. I haven't ever had this much encouragement (or experienced this much attack) about anything, and I don't know what to make of that. Its encouraging, yet disheartening at the same time. I know that I must draw a line in the sand and not retreat, be resolute and immovable. Unrelenting. Solid and steadfast. I have entered into a battle, only this is more a war of attrition than I might like. I can see in the end that the victory will be mine, but only because God is with me. That said, with this amount of encouragement I cannot help but think it will be long and hard-fought -- months and years, rather than days and weeks -- but victory here is so very worth every minute of fighting, while the consequences of loss are staggering and tragic.

In the end, I know I will be changed. Broken, likely. Exhausted, definitely. But so often the truly important things in life must be fought for and it is that sacrifice which bestows value.

I must hold fast.