Perspective

Not sure exactly where this post is going, but its been an interesting week, so we'll see.

One of the things I've been thinking about a lot is the perspective I have about different people. Some people look like they're in total control of their life. Others look like the wheels are just about to fall off. Its not that I wonder about the difference, only that I think the outward appearance probably isn't true most of the time.

What prompts this thought is how the first part of my week progressed. I got back from training with my Marines over the weekend, and new mountains of responsibility had been heaped on me -- none of which I really wanted (life is busy enough without more work for the same pay). I was angry about the fact that one of my Marines showed a distinct lack of effort and motivation which ultimately resulted in me doing a lot more work on an 8 mile march than I had wanted. I was bitter about seeing another Marine get promoted ahead of me when he had held none of the same responsibilites that I had. I was frustrated with being slid into a position which had been mismanaged for several months, and then being left to pick up the pieces. Monday was an uncharacteristically bad day.

The more I thought on it, the more this "wheels falling off" type mentality had been present in my life. I pretty routinely feel as though my efforts are insufficient in virtually every area of my life, ranging everywhere from the Marines, to research, to relationships -- I generally feel as though I'm failing. At best, "just getting by." Even when I do things that I know honor God -- pray for people, study scripture, fast -- I always wonder why I didn't do more. I feel guilty, even about doing things that I know are pleasing to God, because I never feel like I've done enough. (Fortunately, some resolution is coming here and it feels as though the clouds are beginning to part...)

Now here's the kicker: despite these feelings of inadequacy and failure, apparently I don't show that. Several times people complimented on how disciplined and encouraging I am (please don't take this as boasting... that is not the intent), despite that my life currently feels like a massive train wreck and that I'm an epic failure on all fronts.

The point I'd make is that there are people that I respect and admire, who in my eyes seem to have everything together, but I suspect sometimes feel just as swamped, frustrated, and inadequate as I do. The only difference between how I see them and how they see themselves is our perspective.