Straight to the point

Teach me Your way, O Lord,
that I may walk and live in Your truth;
direct and unite my heart
to fear and honor Your name.

I will confess and praise You,
O Lord my God,
with my whole heart;
and I will glorify Your name
forevermore.

-Psalm 86:11-12

A Change of Tac?

"What would you do if you only had 3 months left to live?" That was the question posed to me several weeks ago during a sermon series called "The Bucket List." (A great series, check podcasts or Benji Kelley's blog if you want to hear it... links are on the bottom right of this blog) However, at 3 months one can begin to throw caution to the wind somewhat... there is no intermediate or long-term planning involved, and so I don't think its as difficult a question as people try to make it. The bottom line is: live.

The more difficult question, or at least the one I feel I'm wrestling with, is: What would you do if you knew you were leaving in about 1 year? Not dying, but leaving. Not 3 months, not tomorrow... 1 year. How does one tie up the loose ends, and which ones should be maintained? How does one tell family, friends, and coworkers that in approximately 1 years time, he or she will most likely no longer be there? Clearly, some strategy is necessary, and one cannot "just live" with the same reckless abandon as 3 months before the hearse mentality would allow.

You're probably wondering what would cause a person to think like this, so I'll let the cat out of the bag here. If you've read my last post, it probably won't come as a surprise to you. Anyhow, I'm considering a change of tac for my life. Prior to this point, my mentality was to finish out my PhD at Carolina, do a post-doc somewhere (Berkley came to mind... though somewhere overseas would be pretty sweet), and then become a professor at a university. The catch was that whenever someone asked me, I would always have to confess I had a hard time actually seeing myself doing that... I know I could accomplish it and I believe I have the potential to be a great professor, but somehow it didn't "click" in my mind.

The alternative is to go active with the Marines. Truly embrace this warrior mentality and allow it to consume me fully, rather than trying to fit it into one weekend per month. Right now I am being re-trained as a Supply Marine to fill vacancies at my current reserve unit. If I finish out my Masters, I can activate and deploy to Iraq or Afghanistan for one year. I can advance my martial arts belts, attend Corporal's course, and serve my country in a very tangible way. I'll make a difference. Overseas I can pick-up the rank of Sergeant very rapidly (assuming I don't receive it meritoriously before then) and upon return, I can submit a package for Platoon Leaders Course, graduating as a First Lieutenant in the Marines (due to having a Masters in Chem, by that point). In two years from now, I could be a Marine Officer. Granted, this raises a plethora of additional questions (infantry? intelligence? supply/logistics? aviation?), especially since the only way I think an officer would suit me is if I did this as a career. In the words of Marty McFly, "That's heavy, doc." Yet somehow, I think I would be more alive and fully embrace the different aspects the military has to offer. The structure, punctuality, creative thinking, definite rank and order, customs and courtesies, and travel all strike a chord within me. I believe I would be well-suited to that lifestyle and career. To put it simply, it feels more right than living in a lab or classroom, striving for any extent of self-actualization.

In the words of the honorable President Ronald Regan, "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they make a difference. The Marines don't have that problem."

But what does one do until then?

The Road Less Traveled

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost pretty much wrote a poem about my life at this point. I feel very much in the same position as this poem describes. My life is at a junction of two paths and what path I choose, as he points out, "has made all the difference."

I have a good life. I think a lot, I work hard, but I believe the research I do at grad school can make a difference. I have some good friends and I love where I am with my church, how it is helping shape me, and how there are good men for me to look up to and learn from. I am very comfortable.

Perhaps that is the problem. I have challenges, but no adventure in my life. Each day feels the same. The joke is that we're the lab where every day is Monday... and honestly, my heart is getting weary from it.

The Marines are calling me more strongly every day, or at least, that's how it feels. While I know the reality is not the same as the dream (I mean, we can't fast-rope out of helicopters and save the world EVERY day...), I also know it is an avenue where hard work pays off and my potential could be realized. I enjoy the importance of physical fitness, the desire for constant improvement in pursuit of perfection, and the brotherhood that develops. Even the core values speak to my soul: Honor, Courage, Commitment. The catch is, to get there is an uphill, unpleasant and even painful series of challenges and trials. I went through boot camp once and didn't like it... I really don't relish the thought of doing it again to become an officer.

This is one of those decisions I don't have to make today, so I'll be praying and thinking on it. I'm already figuring out how to best collect information to see if this is really where I am meant to go and if so, when. I like to think I could get my Ph D, then become an officer, but age limitations prohibit this. Conversely, I could become an officer, serve my term, and come back as a 35 year old grad student, starting at square one. I hope my life will have progressed to a point that precludes that by then.

So, I have only one life to live, one time to choose, and one road to travel. While now is not the moment I must decide, there is only so long I can ponder and reflect before the choice will ultimately be made for me. And I know, don't ask me how, but somehow I know... that choice will make all the difference.

Honor

Today I leave for 5 weeks of active duty with the Marine Corps at Camp LeJeune. Actually, I have to leave my apartment in about 20 minutes and the only reason I have time to write this morning is because my tie for my Service Alpha uniform tied quicker than normal (and the uniform still fits! I may have actually lost weight since boot camp...). Still, this post will probably be brief. Anyhow... back to the Marines... You can understand how this might be directing my thoughts this morning.

What I was thinking about mostly was honor. In the Marines, we have three core values (which we have in common with the Navy): Honor, Courage, and Commitment. However, the way I see it the other two are covered under honor. For example, to know what must be done, but to be too afraid to do it is a failing of courage. I also see it as being dishonorable. To risk or give ones life for another I see as being the most honorable action any person can make. We even have the Medal of Honor for actions "of conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty." It seems evident to me that courage is intrinsic to honor.

Commitment too I see as being a part of honor. One can give his or her word that something will be accomplished, but if they lack the commitment to see that through, they dishonor themselves. There is no honor in giving up or quitting, and as such, I see commitment as covered by honor as well.

When it comes down to it, I think if someone were to describe me in one word, I would want it to be honor. I don't know if they would, but that aspiration I see as being worthy of my efforts. Even if honor only includes courage and commitment, think of what being an honorable person would mean. They are unwilling to yield to their fears. They stay the course and make the necessary sacrifices to keep their word. They are loyal and steadfast. What if we applied that in our lives? Marriages? Friendships? What if we all lived for honor?

Give 'em something to talk about

"Something good is going to happen" I read it on a bumper sticker this morning on the way to research. While the rest of the bumper was plastered with a variety of stickers ranging from the profane to the politically questionable, I found myself in agreement with the simple expectation that something good was going to happen. To put that in fewer words: "I hope."

Some days this is harder than others (Monday was particularly bad...). It seems everything just piles up and my heart gets tired and heavy. I get worn down and its easy to slip into that state of self-pity and depression. But Jesus came to bring life and life more abundantly (John 10:10), and because of that I can have the confident expectation that in and through Jesus, something good is going to happen in my life in a very real and relevant way.

It kind of changes things when one really thinks about what "hope" really means, doesn't it?

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest is love." (1 Corinth 13:13)

But that doesn't mean the others aren't worth talking about.

Weakness leving the Body...

Pain is a staple of a Marine's training. From boot camp through their MOS school and into the fleet, pain is more or less a constant in most Marines' lives. There are even catchy slogans that make the effort to explain why pain is necessary: "Pain is Weakness leaving the Body" and "A gallon of sweat in peace is worth a pint of blood in war." Pain, it would seem, is important.

The thing about pain is that while we don't enjoy it at the time (in general... I'm confident that there is a slightly masochistic side to at least some of us), it always seems that we endure it in the pursuit of something greater. The quotes from above, for example. Pain is endured because it makes one stronger or more technically proficient, and in combat, both of those virtues are highly desired.

It shouldn't strike us as unusual then that God would be willing to use pain in our lives as well, as it will refine us and make us into something greater. How frequently do we have to be brought to our knees before we return to God with our prayers? Why are there so many testimonies of people growing closer to God through cancer and other agonizing experiences? For my part, I grew very close to God during boot camp, as I quite literally had nothing else. I think C.S. Lewis wrote about how pain was God's megaphone... and I think he hit the nail right on the head.

Some people might balk at this concept, claiming that a Sovereign God would never intentionally hurt His creations. There's a lot more in that concept to discuss than I feel the least bit qualified to write about. The story of Job is probably the best example that demonstrates how God might operate. It isn't that He causes the pain and suffering, but He does permit it in our lives, that we might turn to Him in our sorrows and that He might ultimately use it for His greater good. Jeremiah's cries in Lamentations mirror this theme as well. Really, if God is all powerful and all good, is there any other way He could conceivably operate that would still permit the existence of evil? While God mourns the suffering and pain in the short-term, He knows how the final acts of existence will play out. As He is beyond the concept of time, He alone sees the big picture, the whole mosaic if you will, and knows that this temporary unplesantry will bring about our refinement and His greater glory.

Sometimes God Shouts

Have you ever been frustrated when you ask people how to talk to God? Despite not being a very loquacious person (I've always felt the "two ears, one mouth" thing was a pretty good indicator of how much listening we should do relative to talking), the "talking to" part seems to follow quite readily for me. Its always the listening that trips me up. The common phrase one hears when inquiring of God is that he speaks in a "still, small voice," and it wouldn't surprise me in the least to discover this was scripture, given the frequency with which I've heard it. However, knowing God speaks with a "still, small voice" doesn't really seem to help me that much. Sometimes though, this is not the case. Sometimes God will speak and there is absolute clarity as to what is being said and the burden lies on us, when there is no longer any ambiguity, to follow through absolutely. Sometimes God shouts, and the mountains cannot help but tremble.

Its hard to think of examples that I'm comfortable sharing or that won't offend other people, should they choose to read this (odds are long, but at the sake of a little consideration, I'd like to avoid any such uncomfortable confrontations). Perhaps one story I can share, (maybe confess is the better word,) happened late last year and involved myself and a girl from my church. (Its not scandalous, so don't get your hopes up...) We met at church, and after service one Sunday I asked her out to get coffee. We had a really fun time, great conversation, and made plans to meet again later that week. The second meeting also went well. While I forget precisely what activity we did, (it was entirely arbitrary... got together and ate a bunch of caramels, maybe. "Good Will Hunting," anyone?), the bottom line was these encounters were headed in the direction of a more significant relationship.

At the point we realized this, it was about time for me to leave for Christmas break and travel back to Wisconsin. The timing of that was pretty much perfect, as it gave us both a full month to pray and seek answers to whether this was something to be pursued further. So, we went our separate ways, but stayed in touch over that month. I know I prayed about being in a relationship with her quite regularly and I am confident that she did as well, but ultimately I didn't have a solid "yes" or "no" answer by the time I came back to North Carolina. What I did know was that I really wanted a girlfriend and that God hadn't said "No." That was good enough for me. (I know, I know... plenty of other messages to insert here on patience and living by God's timeline rather than one's own... thanks.)

Now, here's the problem that I probably haven't yet elucidated. While all of the very concrete things worked (she is a Christian, is getting her degree, she's pretty, we have good conversations, laugh together, etc.) there was a failing of what I think of as "click-factor." Other people would refer to this as "chemistry." I can't bring myself to bastardize the word to that extent. While everything between us appeared to be compatible, something just didn't click. (If you're reading this, you're probably very frustrated with me and shaking your head because you see precisely where this story is headed.) In hindsight, I was looking for a "still, small voice," when God was outright shouting at me.

To make a long story short, yes, we started dating. (Just to be explicit and avoid the possibility of people "reading between the lines," nothing that happened between the two of us, would have been out of place in a PG rated movie. Seriously.) We never really had any big fights, but almost immediately I began to realize she wasn't the right person. I rationalized not breaking up with her in my mind: "Its only been ___ days, you're still getting to know here. You're probably just going to grow together with some more time." There were other intense and powerful feelings there as well. I hate hurting people, and I knew that if I broke up with her I most definitely would. There was fear as well. Examination of my relationship history reveals I tend to have long stretches between girlfriends... its long enough to be unsettling and make one wonder if maybe I'm going to be single forever. The result was that I delayed.

Eventually I was convicted. If there are any readers, you knew (hopefully) that was coming. My heart was hurting so badly from the somber knowledge that things weren't going to work, that I couldn't take it any longer. I knew I had to break up with her. Again, I prayed - hard - that God would change these feelings in me, or make it so that I wouldn't hurt her, or even just take care of this problem for me. Really, I was more concerned with her heart than my own, though no words can be said to ever prove this. Finally, one night the time came. I knew what had been laid on my heart, (more accurately, what had always been there) and we broke up.

It went poorly. I don't want to talk about it.

Hindsight is 20/20... everyone knows that cliche expression. Hopefully I've described my mistakes well enough that this has some affect on someone, somewhere, other than just creating loathing for my very existence. I still stay in touch with this girl. I wish I could say something happier to bring closure to all of this, but sometimes life simply isn't happy. She's doing well, as best as I can see, and says God has done a lot of healing in her. I wish I hadn't caused the hurt to require the healing. As for myself, I've learned a lot from it as well. Unfortunately, there is no good way to put it down in words and it seems it must be experienced. Nevertheless, I'll try to get it close and be concise:

God doesn't speak to everyone the same way. Sometimes it is the nagging of ones conscience and other times it may be the powerful yearnings of ones heart. If a situation feels wrong or unsettled, it probably is. If what you're doing or considering doing would embarrass you in front of your peers, family, or pastor you shouldn't do it. The bottom line is I think we all know when something isn't quite right (even if we really, really want what is being offered). We just need to have the courage to be honest with ourself and the strength to then act on that deep and somber knowing in our heart of hearts.

Please don't send me hate mail. I never claimed to be perfect.

No Legalism Required

You see? This makes no sense. Its 7:00 am and I'm posting... I don't expect to make sense to anyone else, but it would be nice if I could make sense to myself at the very least. - sigh -

The thing is, I had some thoughts which were important this morning during breakfast. It seemed worthwhile to put them up here. But, before I begin, it is important you understand that I am a Christian... or better yet, a lover of Christ. Unfortunately, it seems too often that "Christian" elicits negative connotations from people... stereotypes of salvation through weekly attendance at some service or by doing good works. Well... while I don't intend to take away from the merits of either of those, they are not sufficient. Good works and church attendance do not, in my humblest opinion, make you Christian. But, to avoid the ambiguity and stereotypes, I'm a lover of Christ. Its real to me. I do not serve a God of rules or ceremony, but I love and worship the one true God and as a result, my life readily falls into what He defined as right and wrong. No legalism required.

Generally, I really don't like having to tell people I'm a Christian. (If my pastor reads this, hopefully he'll not stop here...) Its important to know this is NOT because I'm ashamed of it, or because I'm in the sciences and the general consensus there is that science has explained away God (far from it, in fact... it blows my mind every day. If you want more on that, Lee Strobel's book "The Case for a Creator" is particularly good.) The reason being I want my life to truly and genuinely reflect Christ's love for me. A better way to put it, is that how I live my life should be a better indicator than any words I can write or anything I can say. I want people to know there is something different about me and when they ask what it is, they will see all the difference Jesus makes.

Great. That wasn't at all what I was planning to write about. It is important though, that you keep all of the above in mind. Chances are some of the things I'll be writing either today, or later on, are going to step on some toes... possibly offend directly (I dunno... maybe you're feeling convicted?). In this I remain completely unrepentant, but nevertheless, I will try to be at least a little sensitive to the fact most people probably aren't looking at things the same way I do.

So... my thoughts (which suddenly seem rather small compared to the above...):

1. I was on the phone last night with one of my friends, who was expressing her desire to get in a self-defense class. My simple response was, well... then do. You might as well live your life. Naturally, she had excuses (don't we all?) why she hadn't been. In this case, she didn't know how to find a place that would teach her (um.... Google search: "self-defense class, Raleigh, NC" answers will follow).

I probably laid into her a little hard, but it frustrates me to hear this. I don't mean to imply I'm perfect (I've always wanted to play the guitar and learn another language), but why do we always seem to know what we want to do to better ourselves, and then make excuses for why we don't? LIVE! WE ONLY GET ONE SHOT AT THIS!

I try to give credit where it is due. The person who may have planted (or at least helped to give words to) this thought was Pastor Benji Kelley of newHope Church in Durham. He gave a fantastic sermon series on this called "The Bucket List." (Available on podcast and his webpage: www.benjikelley.com. If you have a chance, these messages will change how you live your life.)

2. Sorry... this one's going to have to wait. Its probably for the best anyway.

Stay tuned, there's more to come :)

A blog... Brilliant!

This is clearly what I need. Not to be overly sarcastic on my first post, but really, I don't have time for this. I can't begin to imagine what compels me to start one or why now, of all times.

I see no need to tell you who I am, what music I listen to, or otherwise describe the little universe that comprises my life... in fact, I have no idea whatsoever what will ultimately end up here. I like to think it will be a collection of humorous stories, witty comments, or otherwise brilliant philosophical insights. Experience suggests it will be otherwise. What most likely will come out are thoughts that have been rattling around in my head, maybe an occasional epiphany, and the overflow from that which is life. Anyhow, while I don't know what may lie ahead, I hope whomever is reading this will enjoy the ride...