Confessions of a Worship Leader

I'm going through a bit of a difficult season right now. I've been helping to lead worship as a vocalist for a little better than one year, and its taken me to a strange place.

When I was younger in Christ, musical worship was something I really looked forward to. It was refreshing and desperately needed. In hindsight, part of this was because the place where I would find God was at church -- I didn't make time to seek Him on my own, and I certainly wasn't listening for Him or looking for Him to move in my life. He was a very clean and boxed God, and our interactions were limited largely to Sunday mornings.

I remember taking the membership class at my current church. The pastor asked that each of us would volunteer somewhere. While I remember volunteering with the parking detail, I also remember a more unusual experience. I volunteered for WAM -- the Worship Arts Ministry.

In hindsight, this was a strange thing to do. I sang very little in high school and not at all in college... but I always wanted someone to ask me to sing with the worship team. Somehow, I knew I was to volunteer for this, despite being highly self-conscious and uncertain about my abilities. Now, newHope is a pretty large church by my standards -- somewhere around 750 people attended at that time (and we're in the vicinity of 2000 now!), but it just so happened the WAM team was short on tenors, and I could - apparently - harmonize.

My first several rehearsals and attempts to help lead worship were pretty rough. I was terrified. But following some encouragement from friends, Pastor Curtis (the worship arts pastor), and a month of reflection and rest, I returned to the stage with a heart open and ready to lead others before the throne in worship. But over time, the season of my life began to change.

I started seeking God more actively outside of church. I started making time just for Him, time to pray, time to study, time to listen and be quiet. And now, my heart feels different. It isn't that I no longer want to do corporate worship, simply that the emotion and passion that once was there has shifted to other forms of glorifying Him. Coming to worship corporately, and then really pressing in, I realize is a choice.

As newHope grows, we are encouraged to "engage" the crowd and really try to draw them in. To have high energy, and really exaggerate anything we do on stage. Despite everyone's profession, it feels like a performance or a show, rather than worship.

Add to that the effect of the season of my life, where worship in a corporate sense is an active choice. I choose to worship and offer up songs of praise, despite not feeling as though anything is happening, and being encouraged to "engage."

Its incredibly unsettling. Choosing to believe that my worship is pleasing to God when I feel very little? Moreover, trying to lead people into His presence, when I have to choose to believe I'm there myself? And worse, trying to justify the level of performance going on, when all I want is to hear the still small voice that seems ever more elusive when I'm surrounded in a crowd.

But really, it doesn't matter. Its just a season; it will change again. Moreover, worship is not about us anyway. So I will continue to worship with all that I am, and I choose to believe it honors God and that the sincere desire of my heart will be evident, allowing others to draw closer to Him.

And after all, the two best times to worship are when you feel like it, and when you don't.