My Fear

What is worse: To be a man willing, but incapable, or to be a man capable, but unwilling?

The reason I ask, is because I'm about to share with you my greatest fear. Unfortunately it isn't something as concrete or testable as a fear of snakes or heights. I'm afraid that I will discover that ultimately, I am a coward.

I realized this one evening while I was watching "Saving Private Ryan." I thoroughly enjoy the movie on several different levels. Appealing in one sense is the simple fact it is a war movie. Its relatively fast paced, linear in progression, and has explosions and gun fights -- Always a recipe for a winner. On a deeper level, I connect with some of the feelings and emotions experienced by my fellow brothers in arms -- writing to parents, stories about the girl back home, the comradeship that can be shared only by men of war. Finally, it asks a very important question: is one life worth more than another? (Not something I think about often, but when I do, it will keep me up at night.)

One of the most vivid scenes in the movie for me, is where Cpl Oppum, who is assigned to resupply his fellow soldiers with ammunition, hears two men fighting on the floor above him. He knows one to be a friend of his who was manning a machine gun. Oppum slowly starts walking up the stairs to get to the room, loaded rifle in his hands, belt of machine gun ammunition strung around his neck. All the while he can hear the shouts of the two men struggling above. He gets half-way up the stairs... and freezes.

Meanwhile, his friend has pulled a knife on the German, but the German is stronger, and turns the knife back on his friend. Slowly, we see this swing in advantage, and the combat ends with the full blade of the knife slowly inserted into the friend's heart.

Oppum is still on the stairs when the German comes down. He takes one look at Oppum, who has collapsed into a quivering bundle of tears and ammo, and walks away knowing Oppum was completely unable to save his friend, despite having all the weaponry and training necessary.

That is my fear. That when my courage is tested, I will fail. That I would become an Oppum, trembling and crying in terror, while my friend is dying due to my inability to move. That I would be a man willing, but incapable. That I would examine myself, and discover that I am a coward.

I have every reason to think this is an unfounded fear, given my efforts to live with honor and never run from a challenge. I am confident in the training I have received throughout my life. However, one never really knows what they are made of until they are tested. A man cannot truly consider himself brave until he looks death in the eye and does not back down. One will never know how he will react under fire, until he actually finds himself in that position.

But when that day comes, I have every intention of being ready.

"Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who teaches my hands to war and my fingers to fight."
-Psalm 144:1