Sometimes God Shouts

Have you ever been frustrated when you ask people how to talk to God? Despite not being a very loquacious person (I've always felt the "two ears, one mouth" thing was a pretty good indicator of how much listening we should do relative to talking), the "talking to" part seems to follow quite readily for me. Its always the listening that trips me up. The common phrase one hears when inquiring of God is that he speaks in a "still, small voice," and it wouldn't surprise me in the least to discover this was scripture, given the frequency with which I've heard it. However, knowing God speaks with a "still, small voice" doesn't really seem to help me that much. Sometimes though, this is not the case. Sometimes God will speak and there is absolute clarity as to what is being said and the burden lies on us, when there is no longer any ambiguity, to follow through absolutely. Sometimes God shouts, and the mountains cannot help but tremble.

Its hard to think of examples that I'm comfortable sharing or that won't offend other people, should they choose to read this (odds are long, but at the sake of a little consideration, I'd like to avoid any such uncomfortable confrontations). Perhaps one story I can share, (maybe confess is the better word,) happened late last year and involved myself and a girl from my church. (Its not scandalous, so don't get your hopes up...) We met at church, and after service one Sunday I asked her out to get coffee. We had a really fun time, great conversation, and made plans to meet again later that week. The second meeting also went well. While I forget precisely what activity we did, (it was entirely arbitrary... got together and ate a bunch of caramels, maybe. "Good Will Hunting," anyone?), the bottom line was these encounters were headed in the direction of a more significant relationship.

At the point we realized this, it was about time for me to leave for Christmas break and travel back to Wisconsin. The timing of that was pretty much perfect, as it gave us both a full month to pray and seek answers to whether this was something to be pursued further. So, we went our separate ways, but stayed in touch over that month. I know I prayed about being in a relationship with her quite regularly and I am confident that she did as well, but ultimately I didn't have a solid "yes" or "no" answer by the time I came back to North Carolina. What I did know was that I really wanted a girlfriend and that God hadn't said "No." That was good enough for me. (I know, I know... plenty of other messages to insert here on patience and living by God's timeline rather than one's own... thanks.)

Now, here's the problem that I probably haven't yet elucidated. While all of the very concrete things worked (she is a Christian, is getting her degree, she's pretty, we have good conversations, laugh together, etc.) there was a failing of what I think of as "click-factor." Other people would refer to this as "chemistry." I can't bring myself to bastardize the word to that extent. While everything between us appeared to be compatible, something just didn't click. (If you're reading this, you're probably very frustrated with me and shaking your head because you see precisely where this story is headed.) In hindsight, I was looking for a "still, small voice," when God was outright shouting at me.

To make a long story short, yes, we started dating. (Just to be explicit and avoid the possibility of people "reading between the lines," nothing that happened between the two of us, would have been out of place in a PG rated movie. Seriously.) We never really had any big fights, but almost immediately I began to realize she wasn't the right person. I rationalized not breaking up with her in my mind: "Its only been ___ days, you're still getting to know here. You're probably just going to grow together with some more time." There were other intense and powerful feelings there as well. I hate hurting people, and I knew that if I broke up with her I most definitely would. There was fear as well. Examination of my relationship history reveals I tend to have long stretches between girlfriends... its long enough to be unsettling and make one wonder if maybe I'm going to be single forever. The result was that I delayed.

Eventually I was convicted. If there are any readers, you knew (hopefully) that was coming. My heart was hurting so badly from the somber knowledge that things weren't going to work, that I couldn't take it any longer. I knew I had to break up with her. Again, I prayed - hard - that God would change these feelings in me, or make it so that I wouldn't hurt her, or even just take care of this problem for me. Really, I was more concerned with her heart than my own, though no words can be said to ever prove this. Finally, one night the time came. I knew what had been laid on my heart, (more accurately, what had always been there) and we broke up.

It went poorly. I don't want to talk about it.

Hindsight is 20/20... everyone knows that cliche expression. Hopefully I've described my mistakes well enough that this has some affect on someone, somewhere, other than just creating loathing for my very existence. I still stay in touch with this girl. I wish I could say something happier to bring closure to all of this, but sometimes life simply isn't happy. She's doing well, as best as I can see, and says God has done a lot of healing in her. I wish I hadn't caused the hurt to require the healing. As for myself, I've learned a lot from it as well. Unfortunately, there is no good way to put it down in words and it seems it must be experienced. Nevertheless, I'll try to get it close and be concise:

God doesn't speak to everyone the same way. Sometimes it is the nagging of ones conscience and other times it may be the powerful yearnings of ones heart. If a situation feels wrong or unsettled, it probably is. If what you're doing or considering doing would embarrass you in front of your peers, family, or pastor you shouldn't do it. The bottom line is I think we all know when something isn't quite right (even if we really, really want what is being offered). We just need to have the courage to be honest with ourself and the strength to then act on that deep and somber knowing in our heart of hearts.

Please don't send me hate mail. I never claimed to be perfect.