He who would be first...

I've just been "at work" for the past 15 hours. A day full of individual discipleship meetings, followed by a student leadership meeting, followed by leading a Bible study. To put it simply, the day was "full." Its amazing though how God shows up and provides the strength, especially when I don't know if I have any strength left.

Tonight we had the most men at the study ever. It was wonderful. There were the three regulars: N, C, and M -- all relatively seasoned believers. There was Ro, a Chineese international student at UNC for one semester as part of his curriculum and a relatively new Christian. There were also Ra, a Computer Programming graduate student from India and, as best as I know not a Christian, and J, a Christian who has recently rededicated his life to Christ and is working hard to give relevance to his faith.

Its always hard to know how any particular study will go. Depending on the time of the semester and amount of stress in any student's life, a study can be engaging or dead, almost with as random probability as flipping a coin. But even then, one never knows what the Spirit is doing in the silence.

Tonight felt quiet often. I'm working to be comfortable with that. As a whole, our study focuses on what it means to pursue Godly Masculinity. We started with a simple debunking of the theory that society imposes gender upon a person and just started to pull on the thread and follow where it led. Since then, we've had studies on rejecting passivity, confrontation, responsibility, and tonight: leadership.

Leadership is something of a nebulous topic. Everyone has a different definition it would seem, and ultimately, they often try to deduce it to a series of characteristics or several bullet points. Eldredge provided a nice picture in his book "Fathered by God," but only by discussing the leader, rather than leadership in general. The bottom line is that a true leader is one who takes the position reluctantly, and only in the desire to benefit those under him. A Godly leader's heart is humbly submitted to God and His direction. Ultimately, the slightly paradoxical concept of "servant leadership" provided in Matthew 20 was discussed and the distinction between "servant leadership" and merely "servanthood" was defined as the fulfillment of a greater purpose and intentions of improving those being served. At least, that was the 20,000 ft flyby.

I still don't know how it all went -- its impossible to know, in all honesty. The three veterans had solid points and were really helpful and patient with the younger Christians. Its incredible to witness their development in maturity. J and Ra had some really good points too -- impressively good points, actually. Ra just finished reading through John and pointed out how the central thesis of Christ's direction to us was to love, and how taking that as the heart of His message, servant leadership flows quite naturally.

Still, I didn't start feeling better about it until after riding home with Ro and my girlfriend. I asked Ro what he thought about the study, and he started talking about how he didn't think many of the big business people were good leaders, as they were inconsiderate of those under them and didn't serve anyone but themselves. I didn't think much of it until after Ro got out. As we were driving back to my car, my girlfriend pointed out something that I hadn't noticed: Ro was from China, where the culturally-imposed drive to succeed is even greater than here in the US, and his thoughts were that even those business people who were most successful were utter failures when it came to leadership.

Maybe its getting through after all.

Already?!

I saw them today. They were not welcome... I was completely unprepared. Christmas decorations. In the Kroger, then up at the shopping center by the Office Max. I'm kind of numb...

IT'S STILL OCTOBER!!!

Whatever. The jury is still out as to whether or not I appreciate living in a pseudo-capitalistic society -- Three months of Christmas seems like a bit much. That's a full quarter of the year -- longer than winter in North Carolina and most other states south of the Mason-Dixon.

At the very least, couldn't we have waited until after Halloween? I'm still ill from the candy corn and I don't think I'm ready to tackle the Christmas cookies and Eggnog...

No point in trying to be serious tonight. Better luck next time.

Might as well...

I think this happens every several months or so... Blogging just doesn't seem to be a high priority for me. Yet as my girlfriend so aptly pointed out tonight, when one works in a ministry, so much of what happens is very personal and can't be fit in a 2-page monthly newsletter. She makes a good point. I can't expect anyone to know what is really going on if I'm not better at making it known.

So I guess today is as good a day as any to start typing again.

But really, what was today? I think I spent the bulk of my morning studying scripture and writing a 2-page monthly newsletter, of all things. They're a bit more challenging than they look, and frankly, I can't help shake the feeling that nobody really reads them... which makes it all the more difficult to put anything of substance in the articles. Nobody's going to read it. Why should I care about the quality? (Unfortunately, my OCD doesn't react well to this... or to bullets... nevermind.)

I suppose with the newsletters I'm trying to get across 4 points:
1. Keep my support team informed what specifically we're doing
2. Let them know that I really appreciate their support and prayers
3. Remind them that I'm really depending on them, which is another way of saying, remind them to send their monthly contribution in (assuming they're contributing monthly)
4. Demonstrate that this is a legitimate ministry and that we are making a difference on campus.

I also appreciate it because it is a monthly guarantee that I'll be praying for each family at least once. Naturally, if they send me a prayer request, I do a good job at keeping it in my prayers... but eventually I get overwhelmed or forgetful. As I mail out my newsletters I get to pray for each family specifically and by name... and I like that. So as a whole, I'd say it's a frustrating plus.

Beyond that, I took a break at noon to go for a run. A nice, easy 5 miles, which seemed to do a lot in lifting my spirits (I've been really frustrated and irritable of recent... not such a great pair of emotions to stew in when trying to minister to others).

This evening was our large group worship gathering. I'm really excited about how it went. Our campus pastor, Gina, gave a response to a recent debate held on campus regarding how could God exist if there is suffering in the world. Admittedly, its a deep and weighty topic devoid of any simple answer. Still, she handled it quite admirably and I was thrilled with how it came out. It may have been her best teaching thus far this semester.

Two of our students led in musical worship to close out the gathering. They did a phenomenal job with it -- its really been amazing to watch them grow in comfort up front over these past several semesters. While one is a music major, it seems there is always a discomfort and anxiety about leading in worship. I remember trying to deal with it myself... I wanted it to be authentic and I was routinely concerned that I would be viewed as prideful or arrogant. They both seem to really be coming into their own up front, and the worship was beautifully simple and powerful. I truly enjoyed it.

So, that brings me close enough to where I am in the immediate sense. I'm about 30 seconds from bed, and looking forward to it.

Maybe we can talk again tomorrow.