My Greatest Segué.

I think some of the most worthwhile things I've done in my life have been difficult. I mean, excruciatingly difficult. Grad school for chemistry is challenging and exhausting, Ironman physically broke me, and claiming Marine Corps boot camp was "intense" doesn't quite capture the moment -- but in hindsight they were all difficulties and struggles that shaped and defined me. They were all worthwhile experiences. They pushed my limits, expanded my thresholds, and helped me become who I am. They built character, grew resolve, and most importantly, forced dedication on my part. Yet, none of the above were easy or painless.

There is a certain amount of respect that tends to be given to people who have done such things. They have tangibly demonstrated that they are not afraid of a challenge and that they have dedication to something greater. Even amidst adversity they don't quit. They are relentless in their pursuit, and their reward is completing what they have set out to do. In short, challenge and difficulty bestow value more powerfully than anything else.

The last thought that occurs to me, is that when challenging things are done with other people, they become very close. They are refined through the trial and have learned how to depend on each other. One sees this all the time in the military -- having endured the same suffering and hardships, and having overcome challenges together, a brotherhood is formed by soliders returning from combat.

To summarize: difficult circumstances and challenging trials force commitment while bestowing worth and value and deepening relationships between people.

So, where am I going with this? Just one word: Sex. (I told you, my greatest segué ever.)

Yesterday I listened to a podcast on Dating Relationships by Dr. Benji Kelley of newHope Church. (And those would be the most links I've ever put in one sentence.) While there was much that was said, he emphasized that sex was intended ONLY after marriage, as that preserved the sanctity of the covenant formed between husband and wife. He didn't pull any punches either. I think we all can relate to how challenging, tempting, and difficult things can get while dating.

Which means, this is where things should be coming together. Remaining committed to not having sex before marriage is hard. Very hard. But overcoming that challenge, especially with a significant other or fiancé, gives it value. It makes it worth so much more. Through the challenges and trials, overcoming them together will lead to a stronger degree of commitment, a greater fullness in the relationship, and a deeper level of intimacy. Though I speak from a position exclusively formed upon speculation, isn't that what marriage is about?

So yeah, marriage and sex are sacred. We need to be viewing them in that light and realize that in having sex before marriage we lose out on one of the most beautiful gifts God has for us and some of his greatest blessings. So say no. Please, say no. We're all worth waiting for.

Questions

I often wonder what other people are thinking. Not so much in a "What Women Want" sense (though this would be helpful - and fun - in many circumstances), but really... what they're thinking. How do different people approach problems differently and what makes them do it? What does math look like to a brilliant mathematician? Why is it that same brilliant mathematician seems to be oblivious to everything else? Or even more basic... what do colors look like through other people's eyes? Is the blue I see the same as the one you see? How strange would a world be if it had a pink sky and our skin was green... but who is to say if I would look through your eyes it wouldn't? And how does this make me smell to you?

What about my actions? Words? What do they make you think and feel? Have I said or done something hurtful and been completely oblivious to it? Why does it hurt you and why didn't that occur to me? Why is it that women can sit and talk for hours, but men communicate more frequently in grunts and gestures made in passing?

Why is it that cultures can be so different? Our blood is all red and our hearts do the same thing. Why do certain people like music that, to me, can only be called that in the most liberal of definitions? Why do I like guitar solos and singing country music A 'capella? How is it that I can list a bunch of questions with no truly satisfying answers? Why do I hate Gertrude Stein? Who is John Gault?

And really, what does it all mean? How much does any of it matter? If we're all the same, if we're all very different, does it even matter? Still, why do people work so hard to kill each other? What would happen if we devoted our labor to productive and benevolent efforts? What if we really did onto others as we wanted done onto us?

Now what about our planet? How is it that we can be furious about gas prices, yet people still try to hit me in their SUVs when I bike to class? Are you willing to sacrifice comfort to save the future of our children? How will you feed the starving with only organic food?

And what about you? What has changed you and shaped you to who you are today? If you could take back one thing from your past, would you? Are you living your dreams? Do you know where you're going, or do you feel as lost as me? Who am I in your eyes and how do you think I see you?

And do you know just how very special you are?

What I'm worth

I've had some interesting conversations regarding my deployment over these past few days. The first one was with my professor, who inquired if there was anything the Chemistry Department could do to prevent me from mobilizing. The other was with one of my friends, who happens to be well-connected in the political arena. He is planning on writing some letters regarding the misallocation of important resources in fighting this war in Iraq. While I am genuinely flattered and humbled by other people readily coming forward to fight on my behalf, I most regretfully cannot accept it.

Its an important distinction that must be made here. Its not that I feel I'm too good for their help, or that I believe their efforts to be futile. It certainly isn't that I desire to spend a year of my life in a desert, while my research stagnates and the lives of my friends and family go forward. The heart of the matter is the simple fact that I am, and will always be, a United States Marine. In accepting that title on the day I earned my Eagle, Globe, and Anchor, I also accepted 233 years of tradition and history. My direction and motivation changed, as I sought to live my life by the values of honor, courage, and commitment. Perhaps above all, my loyalty now truly lies with my God, Country, and Corps, and the words "Semper Fidelis" ring home with remarkable clarity and power.

"Semper Fidelis" is Latin for "Always Faithful." It is the motto of the US Marines -- a creed by which we live, and if necessary, by which we will die. It means not only will we never flee from battle nor surrender, but also that we are fully committed to our loved ones and to each other. This is the crux of the situation, for it seems that everyone who seeks to keep me here has the belief that my life is worth more. They believe the Marines will not use me to my full potential, that I can do more good through my research, and that someone else can fill my position. Well... there is always more to research, and though the Marines will undoubtedly view me as a filled quota, I cannot help shake the feeling that I may have been given warrior spirit and that this may finally take me to where I truly belong. Sometimes I feel as though I was born to be a Marine. But as for my life being worth more... I cannot help but feel nothing is farther from the truth.

I am reminded of a scene from Braveheart. William Wallace has just spoken with the Scottish nobles following their first defeat of the English army. As the nobles break down into squabbling collections, Wallace leaves the hall and starts returning to his men. Robert the Bruce, perhaps the one man behind whom the nobles would unite, chases after him. In the dialog that follows, Robert the Bruce implores Wallace to be patient with the nobles and reminds him that in a war with England, they have much to lose. Wallace's reply is perfect: "Does the commoner stand to lose any less if he falls in battle?"

What is it that would make my life worth more than another man's? Friends? Posessions? Education? While they are all important, none of them really matter. If anything, being a Corporal and having Marines under my command makes my life worth less, as I know I would die for any one of them, just as they would die to defend their friends, family, and each other. That was the Spartan way, and that remains the Marine Corps way, because when diplomacy fails and the enemies are no longer imaginary, your life depends on the Marine to your left and right. "Come back with your shield or come back on it..." "He who sheds his blood with me today shall be my brother..." "Greater love hath no man than this..." Throughout history, the life of another has always been worth more than ones own.

So let me be a quota. Let me stand post. It means another Marine will be able to stay home with their loved ones. It means that in every American conflict my family will have been present, and I will not have to wonder if my life has made a difference. It means I will have placed my offering upon the alter of freedom and the sacrifice is mine alone to bear. So please, if you remember nothing else, know this: Ones life is worth only what it can be given for. My family, my friends, my Marines, and you dear reader -- whomever you may be -- my life for yours, without hesitation or regret.

That is what it means to be a Marine.

How can I be lost if I've got nowhere else to go?

I have 2 1/2 months before I am activated. This is nice in a way, but a little frustrating at the same time. How can one really plan for their future when the knowledge that in 10 weeks, it won't even matter? And yet, one cannot really live with the reckless abandon that would be so appealing if there was to be no return (think: bucket list). I know this is something active military personnel do on a regular basis, but the circumstances are different for them too. They aren't leaving a job, its their job that's moving them elsewhere on a temporary basis... so the expectations to perform at work are pretty much constant.

So, this is a bit challenging for a reservist and I think everyone deals with it differently. My friends back in Wisconsin had perfect timing for their deployment (if that is possible) in that they were shipped out in the early fall, and returned in the late summer. Perfect for students. They had the whole summer, which is usually a blissful time consisting of a lack of responsibilities, to catch-up with friends and spend time with family and loved ones. Another friend (who activates today, coincidentally) quit his job, sold his truck, and drove cross country on a crotch-rocket (which is ill-advised, by the way, if you ever want to have children) for the month leading up to his deployment.

The thing is, neither of those seem like great ideas for me. Don't get me wring, completely blowing off all cares and responsibilities would be fun for a while, and it would be really nice to be at home for some extended period of time, but I also plan to come back and finish up my Ph D. My actions now will have consequences when I return. Of course, the opposite mentality would also be harmful, I should think. I could pour every ounce of my effort and being into getting results in lab and attempt to blunt the effect this deployment will have on my academic career. For whatever reason though, I just don't want my memories of "home" to come predominantly from inside the chem building...

I'm sure everyone would have their own priorities, given a similar situation to the one in which I find myself, but the bottom line is that I don't want these last months to go to waste. I want to really live in a way that takes advantage of every breath, every friendship, every second. I refuse to adopt the mentality that would guard me from meeting new people, making new friends, or even starting a new relationship. So while it is true, now is not the best timing and it is not the perfect moment for -- well, anything really -- something I have come to realize is that there are no perfect moments, and that even the best-laid plans usually work as poorly as any other. Its even written in Matthew 6:34 - "Do not worry about tomorrow."

While that verse may be as impressively cliche as my intentions to live without regret, it is always the application and not the concept that is most difficult. Yet, that is my plan. I will live intentionally and without hesitation, in complete defiance of this looming deployment, and with a sense of anticipation to see how it all works out in the end, when the dust finally settles.

...but I don't want to be cold & prickly

So... what is it about me? Really? Why is it that people shy away from me and use words like "intense" and "intimidating" to describe me. Why are people scared of me? Why is it that I can shave, shower, and dress cleanly and still be sitting next to the last available seat on an otherwise packed bus? I don't bite, I don't swear, I don't yell... I don't get it...

I see myself as a person who works hard and focuses on what he's doing. I am not a person of half-measures, and I believe in commitment. I push myself hard and have high expectations of myself, so as a result I've been able to do things to which few others aspire -- but I don't think that make me any less friendly or kind. Why don't I have a chance to demonstrate this before being labeled as intense? Even when I do get the chance, why doesn't it make a difference in their ultimate description? Have the characteristics of commitment, hard-working, and focused stopped being virtues? Why is it that I am seen as a monster or, at the very best, someone to be kept at a distance?

Why can't people see that what I do is only what I do, not who I really am?

More importantly, what can I do to change this?

He who sheds his blood with me today shall be my brother

Today I had the unique experience of telling four of my Marines they were deploying to Iraq. My supply company had the responsibility of providing 20 Marines total for Operation Iraqi Freedom 9.1, and today we received the deployment roster.

I received the news in an e-mail this morning. Initially, it didn't seem so bad. I thought I would only have to contact one Marine because they were only taking one specific MOS (Marine jargon for "profession"). I contacted him at about 4:00 this afternoon, but really didn't know what to say. This Marine is one of the newest to my unit. He just graduated from boot camp this summer and was in my class at supply school. He has a close family and a long-term girlfriend who he was thinking about proposing to. He's in his first semester of study at Wake Tech... and I told him to put life on hold, starting in December. I don't know exactly what I said... it all seemed a blur to me, explaining the dates and the mobilization process. The bottom line is he's still giving up a year of his life that he can't ever get back. Hopefully his girlfriend will wait for him to get back. Deployments can get long...

After I got back from calling my first Marine, I noticed I had a new e-mail from my Master Sergeant:
"Cpl Abney - Please inform the Marines from 2nd listed below their time has come."

Three more names. Three more calls. One seemed prepared, and said he figured this call had been coming for a while. Another asked a bunch of questions about what would happen with his apartment lease. The third just had stunned silence.

I remember the first time I was told I might be deploying. I had just joined with my infantry company back in Madison and got a call from my team leader one evening. He said he was contacted by the chain of command and that all of us "new joins" who hadn't deployed the first time were going to be augmented to another unit for the duration of their deployment. Anyone listening to the phone call could tell it was killing him to break the news this way. I was his Marine, and I was deploying and he was the one who had to tell me. I didn't think much of it at the time... I was more concerned with whether I was really going to deploy or not. Today I got to experience what my former team leader did. I got to experience it three times. But there is a difference though that makes it easier for me than it ever could have been for him:

They are my Marines, and I am going with them.