Feeling a bit lighter today

Ah... Sunday. I absolutely love Sundays. Its the only day of the week where I can completely ignore all the work I'll be doing in the upcoming week and focus on just relaxing and enjoying the day. That whole "keep the Sabbath Holy" was a fantastic idea. Good work God.

Anyhow, that wasn't actually what I wanted to talk about... I actually wanted to write about being corrected and heeding wise advice, but now that I'm here, I think maybe that can wait for another day. It occurs to me that my blog has gotten a bit more serious and somber than I really intended. I suppose those were just the thoughts on my heart at the time, but today is Sunday and my heart is pretty content.

I just got back from church (after doing a 5 mile boots & utilities run), where Pastor Benji (whose goatee actually IS off-centered in real life) gave a really moving message on exceptional generosity. I really enjoyed it and it made a lot of sense to me. To be honest, it was nice encouragement and a good reminder of something that started to occur to me a while ago. Before I started tithing, there was never enough money. I was living on $1 loaves of bread with cotto salami and still racking up debt. Even when I moved to grad school and started getting paid for my work (a novel idea), there was barely enough money to make ends meet. After I came back to God and started living as a Christian, I started tithing again, and finances just keep getting better. I've been able to give more as a result, and as I do, more money comes in... its really quite astounding. Apparently despite my best efforts, I cannot out-give God.

Yesterday was an eventful day as well. I woke up and put in a 10.5 mile run as training for the Marine Corps Marathon (and my upcoming Physical Fitness Test) and then went to an eye appointment. Lucky me, the Optometrist had to dilate my eyes to check my retinas. That would be where they take your contacts out and put the little drops in your eyes, so now you're just about blind. I can't see things close, and I sure can't see things far away either. It would be kind of fun if it didn't suck so much. So, they checked my retinas (apparently I have a small hole in one... not good) and then it was time for me to go. I remember thinking I probably shouldn't be driving like this, but I couldn't read my phone to figure out who I was trying to call. I wandered around for about 20 minutes until my far-sight cleared up enough for me to get home. Then I watched Band of Brothers from the opposite side of the living room and later went into lab (once my sight cleared enough that I wasn't concerned about accidentally jabbing my hand with a needle full of bromine).

My Saturday in a nutshell: I was blind, but now I see. So, lets go play with chemicals.

My Fear

What is worse: To be a man willing, but incapable, or to be a man capable, but unwilling?

The reason I ask, is because I'm about to share with you my greatest fear. Unfortunately it isn't something as concrete or testable as a fear of snakes or heights. I'm afraid that I will discover that ultimately, I am a coward.

I realized this one evening while I was watching "Saving Private Ryan." I thoroughly enjoy the movie on several different levels. Appealing in one sense is the simple fact it is a war movie. Its relatively fast paced, linear in progression, and has explosions and gun fights -- Always a recipe for a winner. On a deeper level, I connect with some of the feelings and emotions experienced by my fellow brothers in arms -- writing to parents, stories about the girl back home, the comradeship that can be shared only by men of war. Finally, it asks a very important question: is one life worth more than another? (Not something I think about often, but when I do, it will keep me up at night.)

One of the most vivid scenes in the movie for me, is where Cpl Oppum, who is assigned to resupply his fellow soldiers with ammunition, hears two men fighting on the floor above him. He knows one to be a friend of his who was manning a machine gun. Oppum slowly starts walking up the stairs to get to the room, loaded rifle in his hands, belt of machine gun ammunition strung around his neck. All the while he can hear the shouts of the two men struggling above. He gets half-way up the stairs... and freezes.

Meanwhile, his friend has pulled a knife on the German, but the German is stronger, and turns the knife back on his friend. Slowly, we see this swing in advantage, and the combat ends with the full blade of the knife slowly inserted into the friend's heart.

Oppum is still on the stairs when the German comes down. He takes one look at Oppum, who has collapsed into a quivering bundle of tears and ammo, and walks away knowing Oppum was completely unable to save his friend, despite having all the weaponry and training necessary.

That is my fear. That when my courage is tested, I will fail. That I would become an Oppum, trembling and crying in terror, while my friend is dying due to my inability to move. That I would be a man willing, but incapable. That I would examine myself, and discover that I am a coward.

I have every reason to think this is an unfounded fear, given my efforts to live with honor and never run from a challenge. I am confident in the training I have received throughout my life. However, one never really knows what they are made of until they are tested. A man cannot truly consider himself brave until he looks death in the eye and does not back down. One will never know how he will react under fire, until he actually finds himself in that position.

But when that day comes, I have every intention of being ready.

"Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who teaches my hands to war and my fingers to fight."
-Psalm 144:1

The Best Years of My Life

My college years were pretty stressful. As a double-major in chemistry and mathematics at the University of Wisconsin, my courses were not trivial and I spent a lot of time studying. While I did have fun (from time to time), my justification for the brutal lifestyle which I upheld was that when I finished college, life would be better. Easier. Less stressful. More important, the premise was that because of the hard work I put in during those undergraduate years, the years that followed would be better as a result. A more interesting, better-paying job would be available, maybe.

I used to joke around a lot when people would say "these are the best years of your life." I'd usually have some sarcastic comment prepared for such an event, and always think that maybe if I lived the more stereotypical college life that might be true, but since I was an academic I was making an investment with my life. The years to follow were sure to be better.

I moved to North Carolina following completion of my degrees and began graduate study in chemistry, pursuing my Ph D. The brutal hours of study, the difficulty of the coursework, the high expectations on my own performance all returned with a vengeance. Again I returned to the mindset that I was investing in my life. These few years are unpleasant so that the rest of them will be better.

I think its a lie.

What will I do after I get my Ph D? I'll go get a post-doctoral fellowship at another university. I'll work just as hard for another 2 years, hating life, but promising myself that the years that follow will be better. After I finish the post-doc, I'll probably get a job as a professor, where I'll put in just as many (maybe even more) hours to "establish myself in the academic community" and receive tenure, so I don't have to stress about getting fired. After I receive tenure, somewhere around the time I turn 40-ish, will I finally relax enough to start living the way I should have been living all along?

One of the wisest things my sister has ever said is, "The best years of your life should be your entire life. Don't look to the future and say, 'My 20's were the best years,' or 'When I graduate things will be better.' You need to live your entire life saying 'These are the best years of my life.'" I feel Jesus is trying to say the same things in Luke 12:22 - 28

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious and trobuled about your life, as to what you will have to eat; or about your body, as to what you will wear.

For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.

Observe and consider the ravens; for they neither so nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn; and yet God feeds them. Of how much more worth are you than the birds!

...Consider the lilies, how they grow. They neither wearily toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his splendor and magnificence was not arrayed like one of these.

But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today, and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you?"

What occurs to me in the verses above is that the ravens and the grass are neither wasting their life now for a better future, nor living at their futures expense. They are neither working excessively hard now in order to relax later, nor slacking off at the present to the detriment of later days. They are content in the labors they are currently doing and they are simply living.

The best years of their life are these years.

Marine Corps Love

I went to a Bible Study on base this week. Myself and about 8 other Marines met at the Rec Center over a couple of pizzas to discuss some scriptures and pray. One of the scriptures that was read was 1 John 3:15-16.

"Anyone who hates his brother is at heart a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding within him.

By this we come to know the love: that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay our lives down for those who are our brothers."

There are few verses more perfect for a Marine than this one, as it is true on multiple levels. As brothers in Christ, we are to care for each other more than ourselves. As fellow Marines, the life of the man to ones left and right is more important than your own. It presents a beautiful comparison that struck right to the very center of what the Marine Corps is founded upon.

Continuing on in 1 John 3:17, it speaks of how we are to share our resources and provide for our brothers, for if we truly loved them, how could we languish in abundance while they are unable meet their own most basic needs? Looking at ones own heart, it is clear to me that if I truly loved a person, I would want what is best for them and would be happy to provide for them to the best of my ability. But it is also here that I feel an important distinction needs to be made.

We must be certain we are following the spirit of the law, and not just the word of it. The pharasees are perfect examples of people who followed the letter of the law, but missed the point of it entirely. They spent time praying, gave tithes, provided money to the poor... but they were so wrapped up in being pious, spiritual, and following the law that they weren't truly listening to God. It seems we all tend to run into similar problems. We need to do all things out of love for each other, not simply because it is written in the Bible. Christianity is not intended to be a religion of rules.

An example I posed at the study refers to the men who have won the Medal of Honor. These are awarded for "conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty." The majority are awarded posthumously, but those who survive to tell their story never mention doing something heroic because they were thinking about a medal. They charge machine gun nests, throw their bodies on top of grenades, drag fallen comrades out of brutal cross-fires, and single-handedly clear houses full of insurgents, but it is never because they wanted a medal. Their brothers in arms were in danger and their response was out of love for them. John 15:13, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

This is the type of mentality we must aspire towards as Christians. We need to stop doing things simply "because the Bible says to" and start doing them because in our hearts we feel compassion and love to our fellow man. Give to the poor, not because we should, but because we love them. Volunteer our time, not because we're supposed to, but because we want to. Tithe to the Church not because the Bible says to, but because we are genuinely thankful for our blessings. Christianity is not a religion of rules, but a religion of love.

"Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American GI.
One died for your soul,
The other for your freedom."
-Author Unknown

One Week to Go...

Well, I'm entering the last full week of training here at Camp LeJeune. There have been highs and lows, but as a whole I think I've enjoyed it. I've made some new friends and feel I've become a better Marine for some of the training I've received, whether that training was intentional or simply as a consequence of working with younger Marines and other NCOs.

I'm encouraged by the younger Marines under my charge. Granted, they're very young and routinely make poor decisions, but the majority are learning quickly and have developed enough discipline and self-control that I believe they will be very good Marines if someone continues to mentor them. Of course, there are others who just make me shake my head. They're smart and know what they are supposed to do, yet all too often, they just keep doing the wrong things. Perhaps with more time they'll develop into solid Marines, but the learning curve here is steep, and more likely than not they'll be crushed under the heavy-hand of a careless NCO.

My fellow NCOs have taught me a lot also, though it is more of what I want to avoid than anything else. We're to be keeping our class on task and ensuring they study the appropriate material, but when other NCOs are walking around and distracting them, I feel as though my efforts are in vain. Its frustrating to try and set a good example when other people of the same rank - or greater - undermine your efforts through their actions.

The higher chain of command causes me mixed feelings as well. Our platoon adviser, a Staff Sergeant, is a spectacular Marine, as are all of our instructors. They are physically fit, intelligent, and hard working. They are the ones that I hope the younger Marines aspire to be like. There is a Gunnary Sergeant who works in a different section that I find to be motivating as well. (For those of you unfamiliar with the Marine Corps, calling someone "motivating" is pretty much the highest honor that one can bestow.) He has been in for a long time and has been involved in numerous campaigns and conflicts. While my first encounter with him was not favorable (his can be condescending and very nit-picky regarding interpretation of rules and regulations), I found that to drive me to becoming a more squared away Marine. I made sure my uniforms would stand under his scrutiny and I made every effort to avoid further correction. Unfortunately, the two NCOs I work with did not choose this direction and have received further "correction" from him.

The reason I say I have mixed feelings about the higher ranking Marines is that their intentions seem largely misguided. A different Gunnary Sergeant is in charge of making sure the barracks are clean and well-maintained. However, the standards and expectations he holds are almost unreachable, especially for a collection of Marines who have not yet learned how to work as a team. My suspicion is that he is simply trying to keep them out of trouble. By keeping them on base cleaning, they don't have the opportunity to do something that will damage their service record and undermine their career. Of course, the downside is that every time they truly work hard and are still unable to achieve success, their morale plummets. Ultimately, they will reach that state of apathy where it will be impossible to motivate them to do anything.

The only advice I've been able to give with a clear conscience is to tell my younger Marines to find a Marine that they respect and try to emulate them. Then, regarding the higher ranking Marines, if they receive unjust punishment or improper treatment, to take their licks now without complaint - even if they are unwarranted - but then to promise NEVER to make that same mistake with their Marines later in their careers. Become better Marines than those who have come before.

I hope they are listening.

A Random Assembly

My thoughts have been jumbled recently, so there is nothing cohesive or even related going on in between my ears today. As such, all I've got to share is a seemingly random assembly of thoughts. Brace yourself.

1. My pastor's goatee has somehow gotten off-center. Seriously. If one goes south starting at his left nostril, they will end up smack dab in the middle of the goatee on his chin. I noticed this during a video he shot during the first service today, promptly pointed this out to the rest of the worship arts team, and we had a good chuckle about it for the remaining two services. I have absolutely no idea how one might accomplish this, but I find it greatly amusing. Chances are it will be shaved by next Sunday when he's back from the mission trip to Antigua.

2. The Marine Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO) includes the rank of Sergeant and Corporal. It is designed to be a distinguishing time in a Marine's career, as they are considered more responsible than the first three ranks (known as Junior Enlisted Marines), while not burdened with the responsibilities of command that are assumed by the Staff NCOs. It is supposedly the best time in a Marine's career. However, with the privileges entitled to an NCO also comes the responsiblities of looking after and training the Junior Enlisted Marines. More importantly, they are looking to us to be their role models. The NCO is to be Marine the younger Marines emulate, and the NCO is to care for his Junior Enlisted Marines more than he cares for himself. It kills me to see NCOs that haven't grasped this. They view themselves as just another Marine and they don't understand the importance they play in the Corps. They don't see that the future of the Marines is being shaped directly by their actions and inactions, and there is nothing that gets my blood boiling more than a lazy, out-of-shape, or irresponsible Marine NCO.

At present, I feel as though I am working with several of them. Perhaps God is growing my patience.

3. Sex. Its sacred. God created Man and Woman in His image, so we each reflect part of what God is as a whole. He intended sex to be an intimate, special, sacred activity to be shared with one other person. Moreover, upon marriage, God views husband and wife as one. Its an intimate relationship in the spiritual sense. As such, only after man and woman become one in God's eyes should they have sex - or become one - here on earth. In that light, sex with one's spouse could be considered a form of Godly worship!

Friends... we've been taking sex entirely too lightly. I hope it hurts your heart as much as it hurts mine to see this.

4. Let me be very explicit with this bit of information before you get the wrong idea: I love women. They stop me in my tracks and take my breath away. They are the pinnacle of creation, and there is nothing I want more deeply than to find that perfect girl, get married, and have a family. However, despite being single, I'm done looking for her.

I don't know where I'll be in the next 6 months or where my life is headed in general. I trust God will bring her into my life at the right moment, but until then, I will simply be standing by.

5. One of my friends is an inconsiderate prick. Its hard to love him when all I really want to do is punch him. Lord God, be my strong tower and please grant me patience.